A Simple Question: What’s Love?

“To love, is to pay attention.” – Diego Winburn

But don’t get that quote confused. It’s easy to read that sentiment and reduce it to love equals attention. We all know that’s not the case. Even if I’ve most definitely confused the two in the past.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve spent my days in deep attention, as an act of love. I traveled to Israel with 30 other storytellers who are masters of their medium. Together, we were dropped right at the intersections of conflict – around religion, place, history, race, and culture. It was a masterclass in nuance, in context, in connection, in the power of stories to shape how we understand ourselves. I won’t spend my time here today on the Israel/Palestine conflict (because…it’s complicated), but I will share something that happened while I was there.

During a morning gratitude session, Diego, a magician, mentalist, hypnotist and fellow participant (and one of my newest and dearest friends) hosted a meditation. At some point, in some context I can’t now recall, he said: “to love is to pay attention”.

Diego’s words didn’t hit me in the moment. They hit me hours later when I was walking out of Yad Vashem, the World Holocaust Remembrance Center. I can’t quite put into words the heaviness of that day. Deep sadness. Deep suffering. Deep questions about humans’ capacity for hate. And ultimately, deep concern for the razor’s edge our society is teetering on. No one believed then that the Holocaust could happen and still it did.

Just beyond the exit of the near-suffocating narrative and structural experience of Yad Vashem, a vista opens up overlooking Jerusalem. A beautiful sea of greens and blues that reminds visitors the future is glorious if we don’t forget what we’ve been through. As I took in that expansive sight, Diego’s words returned to me, “To love is to pay attention.”

We can’t change history. We can’t change the world. We can’t eradicate all hate in a day. But we can love what we don’t know. We can love those who didn’t get to. We can show up for what’s better and good and just…by paying attention.

I’ve always ended up in a mental knot when I think about how many issues and peoples and conflicts need our love. Because what are we supposed to do about it? How do we help? What matters? What makes a difference?

Well, we can start by paying attention. Showing up to understand what we don’t understand. Showing up to see the experiences that we didn’t have to go through. Showing up when no one has asked us to show up. Witnessing stories of the oppression, the struggles, the history, the pain, the joy, the magic of others…it’s a huge act of love. It’s the type of love that can heal and help. You never know what will come out of paying attention, but you can be sure that what you pay attention to will carry you somewhere.

If you want to know what you’re loving on, look at what you’re paying attention to. Do those two areas feel aligned? Should you pay attention to other things?

I can’t answer that for you, but I can answer it for myself. If to love is to pay attention, then I want to pay attention to the people and issues that will expand my existence and capacity, rather than diminish it.

To love it to pay attention, and I’m paying attention to you.

Woman on xx.